Revised Blurb and Title! What Do You Think?

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Last week was my first time sharing the blurb I’d drafted up, and I also shared my title idea. I’ve since been revising both of these, and I’m thinking I had an easier time actually writing the book than I am with the blurb and title making process, haha! 🙂

I want to shout out a big THANK YOU to this wonderful writing community and all of you wonderful people and friends who pitched in to help me, giving me fantastic advice and suggestions for the title and blurb, and for retweeting. I cannot express how much it means to me. ❤ Thank you!

Here is the new title I’m considering for Book 1 of V. Chronicles. Please vote what you think and I’d love to hear from you in the comments:

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Elemental Vein

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And now, the revised blurb:

Living with the enemy. That’s what happens to Cyrus Sole when her elven people cast her out for being a half-blood with Elemental powers. She finds herself in the enemy’s capital, seeking help to master her power over metal. For there is only one place that can teach her: the enemy’s elite school of the D.G. League. But there are obstacles:

  1. It is a school for “boys.”
  2. They hate elves. An elf cannot enter the school, nor even the city, unless they are a slave.

She must create a new identity for herself, and pray she can hide behind it until her training is complete. And hope she can survive her new classmates…

The world fell to ruin long ago, at the hands of the Vampiric Emperor, and soon he will return to finish what he started. Cyrus learns she is more than just a half-blood, but is a reborn soul from the ancient past sent to battle for the world. And she isn’t the only one…

There you have it! Please tell me your thoughts. Would you read this book based on the blurb? Does something in the blurb need to be changed, or is it great as is?

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31 thoughts on “Revised Blurb and Title! What Do You Think?

  1. This blurb is really good! I’d revise the third paragraph to say:
    “She must create a new identity for herself, pray she can hide behind it until her training is complete, and hope she can survive her new classmates.” It seemed a little choppy to me. Other than that, wonderful!!! I really like the title, too.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Very nice job revising the blurb! It’s more to-the-point this time, and the primary plot as well as the stakes are clearer. I have a couple more comments, if that’s OK:

    1) The numbered list draws too much attention because it’s not in paragraph form, as the rest of the blurb is. Maybe bring that content into the first paragraph, and edit so it’s one or two sentences?

    2) When I read the second and third paragraphs back to back, I have a hard time following how the content in both are connected. I don’t think you need to add anything; maybe both paragraphs need to be edited more for clarity and flow…?

    3) Make sure you use Cyrus’ name instead of a pronoun the first time you mention her in a paragraph.

    I also like the new title. It’s pretty in a poetic way, but is an actual vein(s) an important part of the story?

    Liked by 1 person

    • Glad to hear that! Oh yes, comment away. 🙂 I was wondering about the numbered list. I couldn’t decide if it worked or not. I’ll try what you suggested.
      I’ll have to see what I can do about the others. I’m glad it’s better than the 1st blurb was.
      The elemental power runs through her veins, a part of her genes. Also, I’d like a word beginning with V in each of the titles for this series. For those reasons I added Vein. Plus, there’s another book series already out there with the title Elemental and I don’t want it to get confused with that. But…maybe Vein doesn’t work? Maybe I should choose a different word? I’m open to ideas. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • It’s hard to know what might work instead of “vein” without having read the story itself. Maybe you could pose the question to your beta-readers? Ask them what they think of “Elemental Vein” as a title after they’ve finished reading the manuscript?

        Liked by 1 person

        • I’m rethinking the title; not enough people seemed to love it, so I might take a different approach. The word “elemental” is rather long to say and long for a young person to memorize, I think. I’m going to take a better look at the core of the story and think about it.

          Liked by 1 person

  3. Nice! If it isn’t a hassle, I have a few comments as well.

    1) As Saraletourneau says, avoid the numbering. It draws away from the blurb.

    2) You mention the enemy. Yet the blurb doesn’t tell us who the enemy is. It needs to be more defined than just the implied (or obvious) social injustice.

    3) I would definitely combine the last two paragraphs. But I would also trim down the blurb by about 1/4 of it’s current length. Be precise.

    4) There are some grammar issues. Commas in the wrong spot, etc.

    5) D.G. League- D.G. sounds like it stands for something. I’m not sure that I’d use the abbreviation in the blurb.

    My one big drawback, I have to admit, is that I’m not crazy about the title.

    Wow. As I read back over this, I feel like Mr. Negative here. I’m sorry. I’m sure that it will work out great in the end.

    P.S. I’m not the greatest at blurbs either. Have yet to write mine for that simple fact. 🙂 You’ll rock it, I’m sure!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks for all the advice! The title and blurb have been difficult to figure out. No, you’re not negative; I need honest feedback, and I’m glad you delivered that. 🙂 I’ll be going over your suggestions and see how I can improve things. Thank you so much! Maybe I can help you with your blurb, in return. 🙂

      Like

  4. I liked the editing proverbs13teen suggests. A comma can be everything. I would definitely be interested in a book with the blurb you presented. I like the title, the first word “Elemental” but not certain about “Vein.” Are you using Vein to mean bloodline? If so, then it does work. But I have a suggestion, what about “Vessel.” “Elemental Vessel”… “Vessel being the avenue that blood travels” [or] “A person seen as the agent or embodiment…a Vessel to be the one of the many to go into battle to face the evil…” Just some thoughts. jk ;:-)

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m glad you like the blurb! I’ll fix it up some more, like proverbs31 and other suggested. Oh, I like the word “Vessel.” I’ve been debating whether to use Vein or not, but Vessel might work. I’ll have to give it more thought. Thank you for the suggestion! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Again, everybody is giving you great advice. I like the title, but I agree that Elemental Vessel would be really cool.
    I think that “the enemy” needs to be more specific, to avoid confusion.

    Personally, I would change the second to last bit to read:

    “She must create a new identity for herself, hide behind it until her training is complete, and hope she can survive her new classmates…”

    And i feel like maybe the last paragraph should be incorporated above. Maybe you could start off the whole blurb with your “The world fell to ruin long ago . . .” sentence, and then put the bit about Cyrus above the “She must create a new identity,” sentence.

    Basically, I think you’ve really done an awesome job of paring down the need-to-know info into a readable blurb, but I think some of the sentences should be shifted about/edited for clarity. Otherwise, this is much better, and I’d definitely pick up a book with this blurb, so good work!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you, Rebekah! I’m so glad this one turned out better. I think I will still have to rethink some things. Like you said, the last paragraph needs to fit in better. I might change that paragraph completely, or like you said shift things around. Thanks again!

      Like

  6. The revised blurb is better than the first, but I’m not sure it’s quite right. There’s some good advice in the comments above and I’m not sure I can add to it. Other than to say I agree about the last paragraph, it feels like a jump from second to third, and the numbered list breaks the flow of the writing.

    The title I’m not sure about. It feels a bit vague. Sorry if that comment’s also a big vague. :;)

    Liked by 1 person

  7. This title sounds cool!! Something about the way it sounds ‘Elemental Vein’…. I like the way the blurb sounds and I know some people don’t like the number lists but I have always liked the way it looks on the back of a book. I probably shouldn’t read the snippets of your book because now I want to READ IT. OH NO!! (as if I didn’t have enough to read) 😀

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m glad you like it. 🙂 While some people liked it, I’m not sure they loved it, so I’m still uncertain title-wise. But I might save it for another book if it doesn’t work out for this one because I do like the sound of it. 🙂 My thinking for the number lists is exactly what you said: I like when I see it on the back of a book.
      YAY, so happy you want to read it!!! 😀 Haha, we can never have too many books to read! ;D

      Like

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